so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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