giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
