Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
