I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
