Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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