Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
