I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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