I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
