yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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