I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
