Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
