If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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