I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
