Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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