the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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