My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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