I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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