You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
