I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
