yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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