I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
