Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
