my phone needs a breathalizer
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
