sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
