If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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