my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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