the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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