Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
