his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
