Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she woke up with a sticky ear
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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