Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
