textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
