I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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