The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
