I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
