yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
