her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
