Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
