Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
