I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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