so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
