He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
