really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
