So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
