just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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