i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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