sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
