Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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