I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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