I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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