Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
