Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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